How To Be a Gluten-Free Pescatarian

SURPRISE!!! I’m gluten-free. Shocker, I know. Being a basic bitch ain’t easy. But hey, in my defense, I stopped eating gluten when I was 15 – before it was trendy. And back then, it wasn’t easy at ALL. Like the number of gluten-free options and labeling at the time was virtually nonexistent. WHY IS LIFE SO HARD?!

As if taking me on dinner dates isn’t already hard enough with being gluten-free, I’m a pescatarian, too. I KNOW I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE. I AM NOT IN DENIAL OF THIS. But not going to apologize for my dietary habits. Jokes on all you hoes, because I’m about to live longer than all y’all.

But on the real, life as a gluten-free pescatarian is NOT easy. Imagine how many times in a day someone mentions getting a burger, pizza, or chicken strips. DISCLAIMER: YOU CANNOT EAT ANY OF THOSE!!! Those are BIG no no’s. And believe me, it’s hard having to say no over and over again to such tempting food. Like really, really hard!

But it’s your lucky day though because I have all the tips and tricks on living as a gluten-free pescatarian (and a lil scoop on why).

What even is gluten?

Funny you should ask BECAUSE THIS SIT IS FCK*ING EVERYWHERE!!!  Like you can’t escape it.  Bread?  Gluten.  Pasta?  Gluten.  Oats?  Gluten.  Donuts?  Gluten.  Pizza?  Gluten.  Anything remarkably enjoyable to eat?  MOTHEREFFING GLUTEN!  It’s even in soy sauce!  Unless the packaging specifically says “gluten-free”, odds are there’s gluten in what you’re eating it.  WARNING BE CAREFUL!!!  Even candy has it in it…

On a more serious note, gluten is a protein composite found in grains such as wheat, rye, barley, and oats.  (No, rice does NOT contain gluten – a lot of people can’t seem to grasp this concept).  Gluten is known to cause gas, bloating, stomach pain, fatigue and/or diarrhea in people with a celiac’s disease AND people with a gluten sensitivity/intolerance.  IT IS NOT CUTE AND IT IS NOT A JOKE PEOPLE!

How did I know I was intolerant to gluten?  After all, my family is Italian so I was basically raised on pasta, bread, and pizza – aka ALL GLUTEN!  I’m surprised I didn’t grow into a wheat plant…  ANYWAYS, my step-mom decided to go gluten-free when I was 15 because of stomach issues, so I decided to try, too.  My findings?  I FELT LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS AFTER NOT EATING IT!  No more bloat, no more feeling lethargic after eating, no more cloudy head, no more stomach pain, IT WAS A GODSEND!  

And what happens now when I accidentally eat gluten after having cut it out of my diet for so long?  Other than feeling like complete ass, I experience pretty much all the symptoms.  I am not exaggerating when I say my stomach will look legit 5 months pregnant.  (I can have people testify to this)

Should you go gluten-free?

Um, YES!  You might have an allergy you never knew about!  Goodbye stomach issues and fatigue!  And even if you don’t have an intolerance, I can guarantee you’ll at least drop a few pounds from not consuming so many carbs.

What you CAN eat on a gluten-free diet:

Obvi you can still eat fruits, veggies, dairy and all that fun stuff, but in terms of grains, you can’t eat your pasta and bread anymore…. so rice and quinoa are now your new best friends 🙂  Say hi.

There are SO many wheat flour alternatives now that you can basically cook anything gluten-free. Just try using rice flour, tapioca flour, corn flour, gluten-free oats, coconut flour, etc –  the list goes on!

If you don’t cook (aka me)?  Start shopping at Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods and Sprouts.  They have TONS of gluten-free options to snack on.  Even gluten-free bread! Don’t have one of those stores in your area?  Your traditional grocery store has a gluten-free section now!

Trader Joe’s Gluten-Free Bread
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Whole Foods White Quinoa

A few over my favorite gluten-free friendly restaurants in San Diego:

  • Cafe Gratitude
  • Trilogy Sanctuary
  • True Food Kitchen (this is a franchise, so if you’re not in SD, you still have hope!)
  • Fig Tree Cafe
  • Officine Buona Forchetta (their gluten-free pasta and pizza crusts are SO GOOD that you’ll barely be able to believe they aren’t the real deal!)
  • Flower Child
  • Solare
  • Paleo Treats (this is just desserts *hehe*)

Why I don’t eat meat:

IT MESSES WITH MY GUT!  I cut out red meat (beef and lamb) when both my dad and step-mom stopped eating it when I was 15 (15 was obviously a year of change for me).  Why did they?  Health reasons:

  • Red meat is known to increase your chances of diabetes, heart disease, cancer, cardiovascular disease, and a shortened lifespan
  • It is pumped FULL with harmful hormones and GMOs
  • It’s hard for your gut to digest

I mean, what do you really expect though with how inhuman we raise livestock…

Don’t believe me?  Cut it out of your diet for a month and then try eating it again.  IT WILL EFF YOU UP!!!  PSA: do not be around your significant other when you retry meat.

What about poultry? I stopped eating that, too, a few years back when I returned home from Australia.  Why?  THERE SO MANY HORMONES AND INJECTIONS IN AMERICAN POULTRY!  Plus harmful bacteria and arsenic.  Messes with your stomach.  No more turkey and chicken for me!

What to eat instead of meat?

FISH!!! All kinds of fish.  Salmon.  Halibut.  Scallops.  Crab.  Clams.  Cod.  Shrimp.  Oysters.  You name it.  If it comes from the sea, go ahead and plop that in your mouth.

Seafood too fishy for you?  Try tofu, whey protein, pea protein, and other non-meat alternatives.  PROBLEM SOLVED.

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